it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
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