I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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