I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
