I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
