A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
