Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
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I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
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Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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