so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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