I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
