I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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