yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
