Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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