He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
