Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
