I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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