I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
