Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
