He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
