Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
