i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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