Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
