Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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