I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
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It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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