Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
