I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
