I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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