i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
