they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
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If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
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I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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