If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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