He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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