so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
