walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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