Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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