today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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