ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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