There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?