seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.