im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
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Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear