im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
