drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
