soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
