There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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