I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just found puke in my bra..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
