Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
