I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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