Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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