I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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