So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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