Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
