Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
