I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
