He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Randomize
