Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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