That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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