So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
