I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
