I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
