dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I got inside last night via doggy door
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
