nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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