what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
