I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
